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 Lost in white

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Bloodmoon
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PostSubject: Lost in white   Sat May 20, 2017 1:03 am

He sat there on the bar stool waiting for Sarubia as was asked in clear sight of the doorway. Saru had said he had to deal with something and he would be right back and they would spend some time together. So he waited patiently for him to return. It was a full scale blizzard outside white out conditions. He was a little doll in the club but no one dared touch him and many were afraid to approach him knowing that he belonged to Sarubia. Sitting there he was quiet the little beauty, pale pristine peaches and cream skin, silvery white hair that sat messy short on top of his head slowly fading out to longer around his shoulders. Pale crimson eyes set with long butterfly silver lashes. Below his left eye was a natural birthmark a long magenta 'j' with one dot to the left and two to the right of it. He wore a heavy sweater with form fitting brushed leather jeans and shin length boots. Around his neck was a corded necklace something he was loath to take off a gift his first and at the moment only physical gift from Sarubia. The cord wrap twice around his neck on the lower loop was a piece of white jade in a circle with a opening in the middle and hanging down from the center of the bottom was another pale burgundy cord with a  bead topped tassel.

When Sarubia entered though he felt as isolated more then ever and alone....lost Sarubia walked in with a girl and a wolf....and walked through the crowd not once looking at him or anyone else and right up the stairs to his office.....where the door closed. He had no grand delusions that he truly meant anything to Sarubia at all....but it didn't mean this didn't hurt. He had made the mistake of allowing himself to feel. To come out of the darkness his life had been in and think he could begin to belong somewhere anywhere. That....anyone could still want him at one time he had thought that was his brother but then that disappeared. He wanted the pain in his chest his heart to go away. To disappear and got up walking towards the door and down the hall gathering his long heavy fur coat and slipped it on walking out past the guard who only mentioned the Blizzard outside but let him go he heard them on the way out they weren't charged with watching over him and it wasn't there problem if he wanted to go out in this so they weren't going to move from there place by the door.

That was fine with him he wanted to get lost in the white out. Wanted to disappear for a while and to fade into the endless white until his feelings became like this a great void of nothingness that swallowed his emotions and left him blank inside. He knew he was a possession understood that but it didn't make this hurt any less. To be picked up and then cast aside and forgotten about until it was convenient to use him again. That was feelings that was this heart inside of him betraying him and aching hurting.  

He walked in the endless formless white unable to really see where he was going and not caring what happened to himself at the moment. He walked for hours past twilight which it had been near and into nightfall not that he could tell how late it was if he could see a mirror he'd know. His silver hair went to thicker choppy pale lavender his pale crimson eyes became slitted silver. Peaches and cream skin became alabaster and the 'j' markings below his left eye disappeared to form a deep purple solid tear line below his right. His fingernails became black as pitch. He had in the hours he wandered the city made it to the other side of town and it was there he spotted the first few drops of crimson on snow. A bit of color in the endless white.

His feet crunching through the snow he followed the drops until he came across a sight, Mujo was standing there above a body fallen in a large mass of crimson it reminded him of the snow at Chi Aka Yuki he went to after a moment continue walking wanting to be alone....

"I wouldn't do that you'll die if you keep going." Mujo said without turning to face him.

"I won't die." He answered looking back at him. "I promised him I'd stay by his side...."

There conversation went on back and forth Misute really didn't want to hear him he just wanted to walk off when Mujo snapped at him and drew his attention back to him all he wanted though was fade into the nothingness he had existed in so long if he could just go back there.....it wouldn't matter anymore what was done with him or what happened he was a fool to think even for a moment.....

"He took you in, you're part of his fucked up family!" Mujo snapped back. "He doesn't abandon family. Even his brother is still alive thanks to him. You're refusing to open your damn eyes and see what's right there!"

"At least you have that much!" he snapped, but fell silent the moment those words went flying out.

Misute looked at him quietly. "Fine....it's my fault and I'm ignoring and refusing to see what's right in front of me. I'm the one whose beyond flawed." He said icily. Born to the wrong element unable to see what was before him ignoring everything......he felt lost before but now he was feeling hollow and empty inside. At least he had that much. "Leave me alone then." He said in a flat monotone aching and hurting inside he missed the meaning behind those words and turn to walk. He wanted to walk until he felt nothing anymore. Until he didn't hurt anymore.

Mujo sighed and closed his eyes. "I can't just leave you out in this to die...I've already had to deal with six people who froze to death today..." he said lowly. "You're not flawed, but you're shutting everyone and everything out and down before you even have the chance to work through your own feelings. you can't live a life where you feel nothing for no one or nothing. You're not made of stone. you have a heart. Let it feel."

Misute looked back at him. "I'm tired of feeling....of everything." He was so young and he was....tired. Lost and tired. "I'll turn back soon but right now I just want to walk until I can't feel anything anymore....a heart that feels? Yeah.....that's another one of my flaws." He said remembering hearing about that....often as a child how he was too 'bright' for the twilight how his feelings were to light and sunshiny and getting into trouble for them. A twilight vampire born all wrong. "I'll return once this traitorous heart of mine no longer betrays me."

"A heart isn't a flaw," Mujo said as he shook his head and put his right hand over his heart. "A heart is a sign that we're all able to connect to someone. Even I'm glad to have my heart...it means I can feel the love I have for my partner even though I feel it so strongly that it hurts sometimes..."

"Your wrong....I gave that up." He looked at him. "I gave up the ability to ever find my 'one' to someone who I hold no delusions over his feelings for me. This thing inside of my chest....betrays me I know the place I hold." He looked at Mujo. "Without his blood I will die, I am his when wants to throw his attention my way and when something else catches his interest to be tossed aside and forgotten to come back to later." Misute looked at Mujo. "I'm not by any chance delusional and thinking I mean anything to anyone or anything. I became a possession a belonging." Misute looked at him. "That why this thing in my chest betrays me. Why it hurts and why I am lost the sooner I silence it....the better it will be for all everyone. I have no right to feel anything." Misute said flatly....he gave it all up to someone to stay faithfully by there side he didn't regret it.......but the feelings the heartache and lost feeling he could certainly do without.

"Sarubia won't deny you your one if you find them, nor will he deny you himself if he is your one," he said lowly. "Sarubia may be a cruel man, but he still has a heart. He cares about you, regardless of how busy he is all the time. He's running the Yakuza by himself kid. He doesn't get any recognition for his work because everyone thinks he's nothing more than a criminal, a crook. They mostly want him dead."

Misute almost laughed as he shook his head as he said should he find his one......he looked away from Mujo as the tears fell it happened you one could be someone who didn't feel the same. It wasn't perfect. He turned his back to Mujo staring at the snowfall as the salty tears stung on his skin. He suddenly never felt more cold. "Won't deny me my one? I bear all four marks by him.....even if my one existed outside of him I'd never feel it. I belong to him solely to him......I can love and want no other but him......deny me? It doesn't matter what he does to me he could break me and I'd come back for more. I don't regret my choice..." He closed his eyes. "My heart....can belong to no one but him."


"Sarubia isn't influencing you at all," he said lowly. "I can see it. These feelings they're your own. Sarubia didn't do this to you to hurt you. Something else is driving him to keep you so close to him."

"Of course he isn't." Misute whispered. "I was in love with him the moment I saw him. Before the marks were placed there......but I also know he's not in love with me.....so the sooner I get control of this...the better." He closed his eyes.....why would Mujo just not let him go? Let him leave.....and walk. To let all of this melt away into the cold like he wanted so he could return to Sarubia's side without causing problems.

"But that's what I'm trying to tell you!" Mujo said. "Sarubia is a cruel man. If he truly didn't care for you, didn't have any sign of affection for you to offer at all...he wouldn't have wasted his energy on marking you."

"I...." He wanted to say he wanted to be alone with his thoughts but somehow he knew Mujo would not let him walk away. He wanted to disappear into the cold and think and stop feeling so he could think but that wasn't going to happen either. Misute brought his arms up his fingers so cold the skin broke and he started bleeding they had dried out from the intense cold air and being blue as he wrapped his arms around his frame. "hear you." He finally finished lowly his lips were cracking in the cold as well vampires didn't suffer through these things but being a Crusnik with a body temp he was freezing out here and didn't care....he didn't care about the damage it was doing to his body....."But...I don't feel him....not like that. I can feel those around me even you how angry and frustrated you are with me.....but I can't feel him....." He wanted to say he knew his place just fine...it was the sudden irrational ache in his heart as he was seemingly forgotten about after being told or asked to wait at the bar as Sarubia entertained to female guests he escorted in. He knew Sarubia was a busy man. Had a business to run so his irrational feelings had no business getting the way.

"Sarubia is...special in a lot of ways," Mujo said lowly as he moved and lifted Misute up into his arms. The kid was going to die if he didn't get him out of the cold. "If the man doesn't want to let anyone in...he can close himself off from almost everyone. The only ones he can't hide from are the Reapers and Aoi..."

"It....doesn't matter I'm going to cause him problems like this....so I have to fix it." He said stubbornly he was cold and getting tired he had a high resistance to most things but being out in this cold so long was doing a number on him. Misute wanted to protest but as tiny was he was he was no match trying to get free from Mujo. He looked down at his hands. "I need to fix it." To fit in somewhere to belong to not be cast out or thrown away again to be tossed aside.....or locked in a small dark room with no concept of time.....He had to fix the flaw that would cause Sarubia problems.

"I can see it..deep inside of him..." Mujo said as he began walking in the direction of his apartment, which was much closer than the club Misute had come from. "He's shut himself off from you because he doesn't want to open himself up like that to anyone ever again...because it means he just has to hurt when something goes wrong again..."

Misute didn't answer as he looked at his hands. He didn't want to feel because he didn't want to hurt? His eyes focused on his fingers which didn't look a healthy shade or even healthy at all at the moment didn't respond he was still crying. Still feeling hurt and lost. He had been thrown into slavery and a dark room around three months old.....obeying his masters had been all he had known for so long and now? He was free in a sense but......he hurt more then he did in that terrible room isolated and alone he didn't need to feel or interact with anyone. "its better for everyone." He said lowly to either himself or Mujo he wasn't sure but he did know....he hurt. At least he wasn't feel so lost anymore just cold and numb in body and spirit.

"Let me tell you the Sarubia Hitogoroshi I know..." Mujo said lowly. "He was born to a noble family, a family of purebloods who, like all purebloods do, thought they were above all others. Their sons and daughters were nothing more than amusement for them. Unfortunately, Sarubia was the middle child of three sons and two daughters. His parents, the sick freaks that they were, spent their every waking free moment with the oldest children, doting on them, giving them everything they ever wanted. Sarubia and his brother, Kuri got the shit end of the deal...Sarubia, while he was treated better than Kuri, was still beaten and forced to lay with every single one of his siblings. If he refused, he was tied down and then taken by force. When he was brought before Kuri, he was told to take his brother's innocence and to train him to be nothing more than a sex slave and a dog. Kuri was never taught to speak, read, or write. Kuri could barely stand...and every day Sarubia endured this..."

Mujo paused to look down at Misute. "Sarubia endured because he was plotting against his family. Sarubia planned to murder his mother and father and older siblings and take his father's empire fro himself. Thus began the agonizing three year process of saving Kuri and himself from the iron grips of their own family..."

Misute barely nodded he was listening heard what he said about Sarubia and that was terrible. But his eyes were glassy he didn't know what to make of anything anymore. He didn't speak because he didn't know what to say. He wasn't out to compare his troubles to Sarubia's but he felt like even more then before his emotions where getting in the way. He had interactions with others for such a short time in his life. He wanted more then anything that part of himself to die off he couldn't compare stories with that. "I should  head back....." was the only answer he gave. A low one almost monotone. His troubles were different then Sarubia his nightmares of dark rooms and vile sickening blood. Of being beaten pinned down and burned. He didn't endure what they did. But he had spent a good part of his life being told to obey or be burned alive by human blood and so he did. This all was new to him being allowed to feel for himself and these feelings were getting in the way. On one thing he was similar in an aspect he could remember his brother being the only one in the entire Twilight clan who actually wanted him.....

"I heard him...even as a child...ask for his death..." Mujo said lowly. "He begged for it. He begged to die so many times...begged and pleaded because he was going through hell."

"The funny thing is...even now, I could swear I still hear that whispering voice of his...begging to die..."

Misute felt the tears flowing the sharp metallic scent of them against his skin as he heard Mujo speaking and felt his heart break.....even now did he want to die? He didn't get angry with it but that hopelessness he was feeling got stronger until he was staring blankly at his hands. Begged and pleaded to die.....and swore he could still hear him whispering begging to die. The tears stopped flowing as he stared at his hand feeling cold and numb inside....he had no idea at all what to even do with something like that so something inside of him recoiled.....withdrawing as much as he wanted to be by Sarubia's side and help him stay with him Misute being so young and knowing so very little of life of the world felt himself recoil and collapse into himself. In the darkness of the single cell with no window of isolation that dark abyss of solitude of nothingness.....something that felt like years and was all he knew for a good part of his life.

Here lately, I've heard something new coming from the big and bad Sarubia Hitogoroshi..." he said lowly as he walked up the stairs to his apartment. "I've heard laughter echoing in the stone cold heart of his...something I thought had long died in that man...and until the other day, I didn't know why..."

Misute slowly lifted his head and tipped it hearing his words but not fully gasping them at the moment. Lately he heard laughter....and didn't know why until the other day? He didn't put together two and two that Mujo was referring to him at all but he did finally look up at him with blank eyes. Eyes that had served to keep him safe in the Alley. "Laughter......" his voice sounded hollow empty even to himself. Not even a 'fake' emotion danced there.

"A joy I thought the great Sarubia had long lost has found its way back to him...his soul finally feels even the slightest bit warm now and he smiles when no one else is looking..."

"Oh..." He said lowly looking at him smiling when no when else was looking something that made him happy and lowered his head again but this time it fell against Mujo's shoulder lightly. He went back to staring at his fingers. Something that made him happy. It never occurred to him that his experiencing everything as if it was new and it was....might mean anything to Sarubia every little thing. Misute's responses were innocent being locked in a dark windowless room meant he knew truly nothing of the world out here.

"Every time he gets a free moment to spend with you, to teach you something, his soul warms ever the more..." Mujo said. "Every time he gets to spend time with you, his heart opens up more and more...but the moment you started shutting him out, that was the moment he distanced himself. you distanced yourself so he did the same..."

Misute almost seemed to try to curl up slightly as he was being held that wasn't until recently tonight was when he had walked out pulled away when he watched as Sarubia had walked off with those girls. He couldn't recall a point earlier....Sarubia had just been very busy lately so he had been trying to stay out of his way and wait patiently tonight he had been with him asked to wait and then the girls and something inside of him hurt and ached. His fault? Something he wasn't even aware of doing at any one point...."My fault." He echoed flatly dully. It was his fault.

"Up until now, he always had you with him, but that stopped the moment Sarubia thought for a moment you weren't as happy as he was. That when he started asking you to wait there, or telling you he'd be back in a couple of hours or minutes," he said as he finally stopped at the door to his apartment and opened it, having unlocked it while he held Misute easily in his arms. "If I had to guess, I'd say that Sarubia is struggling right now. He doesn't know what he wants to do with you, but he knows he can't just let you be nothing to him..."

Misute just stared at his hands and lap as he said that. That he started asking him to wait when he thought he wasn't as happy as Sarubia was but he had been. He just wasn't really good at showing his emotions often echoing those around him what he felt coming off of them presence why but right now....right now he had recoiled so deep into that 'place' he nodded. "I doesn't matter what he does with me." He responded it didn't.....that he couldn't be just nothing to him....to see him walk way hurt. He felt.....as if nothing more then a possession he had been happy before at his side. Very happy........now.....

Mujo walked in and shut the door behind him and sat Misute down on the couch and wrapped a thick blanket around him. "you're wrong and you know it. It does matter what he does with you. You don't want him to leave you alone, you don't want him to throw you away, and you don't want to see him with anyone else. You want Sarubia Hitogoroshi to be yours. You want to be at his side like always and you want to be happy. So why then, can't you tell him that? What's so wrong with telling him how you feel?"

Misute looked up at him. He opened his mouth to speak and failed. He looked down again at his lap and shook his head. "I don't have the right......." to want anything.....not even that. As hollow and empty as he felt he felt tears start to fall again.

"You're wrong kid," He said as he brought his arm up and sliced his wrist open. "You're dead wrong, now drink so your wounds will at least heal...I can't quench your shirts or end the hunger, but I can make it subside for a while..."

Misute looked at him. At the offered wrist. "I can't drink human blood." He said lowly. "And I haven't been able to ingest any blood but his and keep it down....." He reached up with numb cold fingers to heal the wound. He chocked it back up.....every time.

"It's a good thing I'm not human then, huh?" he said as he held it out still. "I'm also not a vampire. My blood is filled with magic and when I say you can drink it, just trust me when I say you can..."

Misute looked at him quietly before doing what he was told and placed his mouth over the wound he began to drink. He gagged at first he always did and Sarubia know what he went through amazingly helped him through it. But his body tended to want to reject all blood at first before he could get around to actually feeding having to relearn how to take in anything other then that vile stuff he had been made to drink before. After a one or two struggling attempts he managed to keep from gagging and began drinking......

Mujo put a surprisingly gentle hand on Misute's head as he closed his eyes and sighed. "To think I'm the one saving a vampire...the irony..."

Misute continued to drink slowly worried if he took it too fast he'd have a 'knee jerk' reaction to it and made a humming sound not sure what he meant by that.

He shook his head as he opened his eyes to look down at Misute. "The one dying is saving a vampire....the sweet irony of it all..."
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Bloodmoon
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PostSubject: Re: Lost in white   Sat May 20, 2017 3:33 am

Misute finished feeding looking at him quietly and nodding he didn't have much to say after all his silver eyes usually so vibrant with a curiosity and innocence to the world around him no longer shimmered a radiant silver but looked more like a dull dark grey. He sat back and shivered slightly able to feel the cold as he warmed up his body aching form the cold his fingers and toes burned something terrible as the blood tried to warm them. He reached up and pulled the blanket around himself a bit tighter. He heard everything Mujo said.....he really did and he didn't remember actively or even trying to push anyone away but he had...apparently at some point. Happy? He had been....very happy at Sarubia's side but he knew now that he had made the mistake of allowing himself to feel but he was falling back into that cold easily of the dark room without a window. The nothingness he felt for so long if he went back there he'd not be a problem to anyone it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't hurt....his words he had a right to love him to feel to....."You're wrong...." He said lowly flatly dully as he looked up at him. "I saw with my own eyes.....I know my place with him I'm the one who made the mistake of feeling.....of....allowing myself to need or want....anyone." He looked at Mujo with those dull eyes a moment longer before looking out at the snow. "He made it clear...." Actions....he had learned spoke far louder then words....then any words could say they had all his life.

"You're the one who's wrong kid," he said as he moved over to sit in a chair across from Misute. "You don't get the luxury of not ever feeling a damn thing in this life. Not even my brother..." He clasped his hands together and brought his dull gray eyes to look up at Misute. "I'm not some ordinary person, as you've obviously found out through this chat we've been having. But what you're failing to realize is that I'm a Reaper. I can hear him when no one else can. The cries of everyone's soul is constantly echoing in my head..."

Misute looked at him. Quietly...."It doesn't matter. Not anymore." He closed his eyes tired he was tired but he'd not sleep not right now. Misute shook his head and looked at the snow falling out the far window. "And I can....stop feeling....it's how I survived this long......I don't care anymore." He didn't.....not at the moment. He didn't care he didn't cry the pain in his chest had gone quiet. Didn't see everything. "He made it clear....." Misute stood slowly wrapped up in the blanket and looked out at the white nothingness that echoed what he was feeling now. "Nothing more is needed then obedience. Feelings do nothing but get in the way."

"You're an idiot is all you are..." he said lowly, but it didn't hold any bite to it. Instead, it sounded sad. "You've went so far only to take ten steps back. What was the point in accepting Sarubia's offer if you were never going to try to become better than you are right now? What was the point in learning how to open up if you were just going to shut everyone back out?"

Misute looked at him.....quietly as he said that no emotion of pain at his words or upset. He didn't get angry or hurt. It was a comfortable nothingness to be in. He didn't hurt here couldn't be hurt. "Those ten steps were ones I was never supposed to take." He said answer as he looked away again. "I took them....and was punished for it." It was the only way he could see it being three when he was tossed into slavery told constantly through the door that if he over stepped he'd be punished. How else was he supposed to understand what happened earlier? To have Sarubia tell him to wait there he'd be right back and see him walk in with that girl and the wolf to his office without looking anywhere else and close the door to spend time with and entertain them? No....it was his mistake to feel happy to be excited and wait for him. Those feelings....where what betrayed him in the end without them...."Without feelings it would not matter if his be right back was five minutes or six hours........I'd have waited obediently. There in the way.......the feelings aren't necessary to stay by his side and obey him."

"They're very much necessary to be by his side. Don't you get it?" he said as he sat there and opened his eyes to look at Misute. "Sarubia doesn't want someone who will just be there to do every thing he says without question. He has his flunkies for that shit," he said. "He doesn't want a lifeless doll, he wants someone who will laugh and smile. Don't you get that?"

Misute looked back at him. "It isn't me." he answered flatly before turning his head and looking back out at the white nothingness it was funny but that white blizzard that black out everything was the same as the darkness...."It isn't me."

"I don't know what you think he expects from you, but it sure as hell isn't to just stand there and look pretty!" he said as he stood up, slinging a glass vase against the wall and shattering it. "You're the person he went out of his way to save! He opened himself and his world up to you. What do you think this will do to him? Huh?!"

"I can't believe you're so willing to blindly sit there and act like nothing you do affects anyone else around you!"

Misute looked at the white nothingness a moment longer before turning his head again to look at Mujo after he flung the vase. "Nothing I do has any meaning." he said in flat agreement. "He's entertaining guests." He looked back knowing it feeling it Sarubia aware of it. He didn't come back he went off with them...."He didn't come back." he whispered. "Actions speak....clearly. It wouldn't matter how long......without them in the way....so they won't be not anymore." He said it made sense to him following his train of thought without these feelings he would not have felt so hurt when he watched Sarubia after saying he'd be right back walk in with those girls and off with them.....to entertain them. "It won't matter...."

"You're dumber than I thought you were," he said coldly as he turned and began to walk away. "Everything you do and say has consequences. what you say and do to someone else can impact them in so many different ways. I refuse to let you kill Sarubia because you're not willing to work through your problems..." he said and opened the door, slamming it behind him.

Everything he said and did had consequences......the same could be said for others. His time in this world was short and he wasn't used to didn't know how to deal with the heart ache other then to shut down. To recoil inside where it wouldn't hurt anymore. He turned his head as the door opened and slammed shut behind Mujo. Refuse to let him kill Sarubia? He had no delusions of his meaning. Didn't believe he really meant anything to anyone not anymore. Misute reached up and let the blanket fall back onto the couch. It was late after nightfall he knew that from his reflection and began to walk to the door. He had been out for a while and it was time to walk again.......to eventually he supposed find his way back to the club. He was still bone chilling cold. It was his fault........his fault for pulling away, his fault for feeling anything. HIs fault.......he closed his eyes a moment and then let his hand land on the door to leave the apartment. Jacket on and boots he'd make his way through the blinding white.....he did have a promise to keep to return to Sarubia's side.

"I have him," he said lowly as he spoke to Sarubia on the phone. "Calm down. Don't..." he paused and sighed. "Don't cry...you of all people shouldn't cry..."

Misute opened the door and moved to walk out, right now he was of the mindset to return to Sarubia's side. It didn't matter the state of his body or anything else he did glance towards Mujo as he spoke to someone but moved to head out. To find his way back.

Mujo moved and grabbed Misute's shoulder and shook his head no. "He'll be here Sarubia. I won't let him leave until you get here..." he said. "I know. I won't...I promise..."

He hung up and put his cell phone into his pocket. "Get back in there and sit down. Sarubia is on his way."

Misute looked at him as he was grabbed by the shoulder and after a moment and hearing that Sarubia was coming turned to just silently obey. There was no will to say he didn't want to see him to anything and walked into the apartment back to where he had been sitting and moved the blanket aside despite his bodies dangerously low temperature and slow healing which was kick started thanks to Mujo he sat down and turned his head to stare once again out at the white nothingness beyond the window.

Mujo shut the door once more. He was too upset to deal with a kid who wouldn't try to understand anything he was saying.

Misute sat there........he said Sarubia said he was on his way. But.........that could be a while. It was the way he felt as he looked at the white. Although he had been told to sit his body ached to be sitting like that and instead walked over to the window and stood before it looking out at the white.

Sarubia had ran, raced there to be more exact. He wasn't wearing his plush coat, his gloves, his boots. He was barefoot and his face was a mess from crying. The neat kept Sarubia Hitogoroshi was a mess.

Misute once he settled before the window didn't move didn't know Sarubia was there and was looking out at the snow before him. His arms hung at his side as he stared at it blankly not thinking not doing much of anything but standing there.

He stopped and leaned over, resting his hands on his knees as he worked on steadying himself. He was exhausted, but that didn't matter.

What mattered was in the building before him as he straightened himself up and looked up towards the floor that Mujo's apartment was on. "Misute..."

Misute stood there before the window looking out at nothing but his hand moved to lay against the glass a moment feeling the icy cold through the window pane and dropping again to his side. He didn't move from that spot just staring vacantly out at the white. Unaware Sarubia was already there and downstairs in the street the condition he was in.

Sarubia moved, running into the building and began to climb up the stairs. When he made it to the floor that Mujo's apartment was on and was greeted by the redheaded monk. "Is he still here?"

Mujo nodded and jabbed his thumb towards the door to his apartment. "He's inside," he said lowly as he moved out of the way to let Sarubia rush by him.

Misute stared out the window at the white or seemed to be anymore he wasn't focusing on any one thing just standing there before the window. He didn't turn when the door opened didn't know who it was.....

Sarubia opened the door and shut it behind him. He stood there, out of breath as he looked forlornly at Misute's back. "Misute..."

Misute's head lifted slightly at the sound of his voice and he stepped down turning to face Sarubia as his name was called he didn't smile. His dark dull grey eyes landed on him as he stood there. At the state Sarubia was in.

His hair was messy and his feet were wet from the snow. He looked horrible. "Misute...I'm so glad you're here..."

But his joy was instantly extinguished when he saw Misute's face. "I wasted everything...didn't I..."

Misute looked at him quietly as he first said he was glad he was here......then said or rather asked if he wasted everything. "The fault is mine." He finally spoke in a dull tone. "They were in the way." They being the emotions the feelings. He didn't understand at all what Sarubia meant by saying that he wasted everything.

Sarubia felt then fall before he could stop them. The tears came regardless of if he was trying to stop them. "I wasted every effort to open up to you...because I thought...I could trust you with that much...but I can see that I was wrong..."

Misute looked at him as he cried. As he said that he wasted every effort to open up to him....but he was wrong. First earlier now this....an inky darkness began to coil over the floor he couldn't control that aspect as well and the colder emptier he felt he'd loose control of it until the room was plunged into darkness. He turned back to look out the window. Those...words....his hand frost bitten and blue twinged at the finger tips moved up to work the clasp.....of the chocker around his neck he had not removed it since it was given to him except to shower or go to bed if he was up it was on....wasted. His fault he was the one flawed this would not be happening at all if he had been able to sit there and obey like a good boy........he was staring at the white before him but missed the sight of the few tears that fell. That.......those words hurt just as bad.......as his walking away with those girls had. He hadn't shut them all out not completely not yet it seemed.

"I brought you home with me...let you into my world..." he said lowly. "I was happy...every sign of emotion in you brightened my day...but this...I can't handle this..." he said as he cried. This strong man was crying like a child. "I can't handle you running off and then coming back to me like this..."

His hand paused in working the clasp. "There in the way, there was no way to do as you ask as long as they are present." He answered looking out at the snow. "I only sought to remove the problem......." He started to work the clasp again usually able to work it with one hand he was having a hard time with it and finally let his hand drop his fingers weren't working right yet. "I would return as I promised as soon as it was removed."

"What I asked?" He said as he moved forward. "I don't care about that anymore!" Sarubia said as he shook his head. "I just wanted to have you smiling..."

"Your emotions are not a problem or a burden or in the way. They're important to me."

Misute placed his hand against the window pane before him as Sarubia said he only wanted to have him smiling. That he didn't care about that anymore. Was this something else to punish him for overstepping later he didn't understand it at all. Those ten steps Mujo mentioned seemed so far away right now. Misute lowered his eyes closing them. He was surprising the shivering forcing himself to stand still but he did shiver now involuntarily he was cold and hurting. "So long as I have them they are a problem.....they will get in the way." He said staring at the snow not at Sarubia. "Every time you ask something of me. Every time something happens.....so long as they are there they're in the way. So long as they are there I will be in love with you." He answered flatly......flatly emotionless even as his head tipped to look down at where the street should be as the tears fell a counterpoint to his words.

"So long as they're there..." he said as he moved and wrapped his arms around Misute's neck. "That means I can fall in love with the person you're becoming..."

"I can't love someone who has no love in their hearts at all..."

Misute looked out the window as Sarubia wrapped his arms around his neck a loose hug from behind. He was shivering slightly trying to hide it. But Sarubia would be able to tell now and few tears that fell became a harder flow as his fingers tensed against the glass. "There in the way....." He whispered lowly as he cried watching the tears fall from his face his chin towards the floor. "They're irrational....I....felt happy when you said.....you'd be right back." he said his voice still flat but hints of emotion he was trying to crush to bury coming through. "But you didn't come back.....you went off with that girl and the wolf into your office and closed the door...I felt hurt and lost.....and they were a problem. The feelings it would not matter how long......I had to wait if they weren't there......"

"Those girls?" He mimicked as he stood there, arms around Misute. "I took those girls into my office to give them a key to a private room."

Misute curled up slightly as his tears really fell at that point. To give them a key to room. He had misunderstood. His heart ached so hard at the moment the dullness of his silver eyes wasn't there but he brought a hand up to cover his mouth.........he didn't understand all of the emotions and wanted to get rid of them. He was shivering now and crying eyes closed as he stood there against Sarubia.

"Misute, I told you I'd be right back because I was just going to go find them a key..." he said lowly. "I would have took you with me if I was going to be more than a few minutes."

Misute between the tears and shivering started trembling. He hadn't understood at all. "I'm sorry..." He said lowly he had been so hurt thinking when the office door closed Sarubia wasn't coming back. He had wanted to get rid of the feelings in the way.

"I don't care..." he said lowly. "I just care that you're safe..."

Misute turned in Sarubia's arms and into him crying. His fingers he made bend despite how cold and stiff they were to hold onto the taller vampire. To be needed by anyone. To belong somewhere....anywhere. Misute wasn't as strong as Mujo and he knew it. He couldn't just forge his own place in the world. All his powers aside. "I thought with them....with the feeling the way I was...." He whispered....."Needed...." no....wanted? Wasn't that the better word for it....."wanted...." he didn't even know what he was trying to say at the moment as he just clung to Sarubia.

"You can't ever erase your feelings Misute.." he said lowly. "I won't allow it..."

Misute nodded as he clung to Sarubia and cried. They were all new to him all these feelings being allowed to feel and he had thought he had been doing something wrong by feeling them. After a while he settled down and just stood there his breathing deeper but calmer. But he was still cold. Lifting his head he tipped it to look up at the taller vampire finally reaching up with his fingers to touch the tears stains on his face he had never seen the taller vampire cry.

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PostSubject: Re: Lost in white   Mon May 22, 2017 1:01 am

Misute nodded as he looked at Sarubia. "Alright." he said softly lowly he was tired sure and still cold but sitting with him on the couch sounded good he walked over with Sarubia but shrugged out of the heavy wet jacket laying it over a chair to dry out. He followed the taller red-head to the couch and settled in with him. Curling up against Saru so he could listen as he usually did when they were alone and Saru was speaking.

"I have spent these last centuries raising my own younger brother....from an infant mentally even though he was a man physically," he began lowly. "Kuri was chained down with a collar, treated as if nothing more than a dog. He wasn't taught to walk on his own, only to crawl. He wasn't taught to speak, to read, to write, to do math or any of the things that you're learning to do right now..." he said lowly.

Misute looked up at him and blinked. "Him? He's...so certain of everything....." He said lowly as he rested there to even think of Kuri going though anything like this....that there was an other end a brighter one. To see Kuri now you'd never know what he went through.

"At first he could hardly do anything simple. He couldn't even write his own name neatly...it took me so long to get him to where he is...and he still depends on me to this day..." he said lowly and clasped his hands together as he looked down at the floor. "I feed him in more ways than one. I am his keeper. His handler, his master if you will...and he can never leave me even if he wishes to. He thrives on my energy, the sex that I have with him..."

Misute looked up at him. "Because of what...was done to you two..." He said lowly as he looked at Saru then down at his hands. His nightmare couldn't compare with there's what was done to them.

"I was too weak..." he said lowly. "I couldn't do what needed to be done before it was too late...and Kuri paid the price for it...I refuse to be too weak to save anyone else...I'd rather die than live with that guilt again..."

Misute looked at him. "But....your not weak...." He said lowly as he looked down at his hand he was hearing everything. "Everything....feels safe when I'm with you...."

"But I am Mistue," he said in such a small voice that it didn't seem like it came from him at all. "For all of my power, I don't have the strengths that I need when it counts...because I've spent my entire life...alone..."

"Alone?" He echoed and shuddered that word that horrid terrible word....for one so young he knew that all to well to hear life at a distance from himself but be isolated and alone in the darkness for so long. Sarubia who had saved him had seemed like a strong unshakable radiant light.. "Are....you still....alone?" he asked not sure how else to put it how did Sarubia view things now he looked down at his black nails....not up at him afraid of that answer.

"Now?" he repeated before he sighed and shook his head no. "I don't feel alone anymore. I finally feel like I have some purpose for being here," he said as he looked up at Misute. "I know it sounds horrible, but I've felt hollow all of these centuries even though my brother was right there...it just wasn't' enough..."

Misute shook his head. "No." he said lowly what he could remember...his own brother trying to be there before being ripped away from him. He took a deep breathe and looked at Sarubia. "That was taken from you.....it wasn't your fault at all." He said that bond that should have been there between the brothers what he was made to do. Even this young he knew that much. He didn't really talk about his own past because there wasn't much to talk about. Misute looked at him. "It's....okay to...." He paused and looked down again. "To...be in love with you? To need you?" He asked lowly. Having been told those were things he wasn't allowed to have....it was alright....to love him.

"I will never, never take those feelings from you Misute," he said lowly. "Even if I didn't give a damn about you, I'd never rip those feelings from you. I'm not a monster...nor am I heartless..."

Misute nodded and shifted curling to rest more against Sarubia as he sat there. "I didn't think you were....it's just...." he sighed. "It....was part of what I was told.....I'd never have. I wasn't allowed to love or want anyone in the clan....they tried to limit my interactions with my brother." He closed his eyes. "Misute-Rareta.....'forsaken' was given to me the same day....they killed my mother....beat me and branded me....for being born....wrong. Telling me that...I was never supposed to exist. I'm not allowed to love to feel to want for anything.....if I do...I'll be cast out again....so the happier I was at your side the more and more.....I wanted to be with you....the more I was afraid....I was of..." He whispered and trailed off loosing him being thrown away and cast off. "the last words I can remember my brother saying when they forced my powers to wake...was 'oh no'...." he clenched his hand piercing his skin and opened his palm to look at the thick dark blood there. "I feel so lost....so confused.....I want to be part of this world at your side that your showing me....to be with you as I promised.....as I....want..." he trailed off and shook his head. as he wanted to be...

"That my 'name' is my curse....I'm the one born to be forsaken by everyone was what they said..." he whispered.

"Your name is your gift," he said sternly. "Your name does not define you, you define your name. There is no greater revenge in this world than creating something for yourself with the name you were given regardless of why you were given such a name. There's no better proof that you're not forsaken than having more friends than you can count."

Misute blinked started by the sheer sternness in Sarubia's voice as he looked up at him. The sheer conviction in his voice as he spoke with such certainty. "My gift?" He whispered he had never dared to dream or think that it was a gift but he looked at Sarubia. "I don't know....but....if something good did come out of all of this...." he said studying the face of the man before him. "I got to meet you, and Kuri...and the others." He said in agreement there whispered it but as far as he was concerned....out of this entire nightmare of his getting to meet Sarubia that day was his gift. "Meeting you....that day I was prepared for the worst....I never thought I'd meet the one...who'd save me.....but I'm happy really happy you were there."

"My family name, Hitogoroshi is known far and wide, but it wasn't because of my father's work. He dealt primarily underground. I'm getting my revenge on him every day that I still wear his name and own his legacy. The Yakuza was once his and he wasted his resources on useless bullshit. My time and effort is much better spent..." he said and smiled at Misute's words about getting to meet him and Kuri. "And you'll get to meet so many more if you just stay..."

Misute looked at him confused. "I wasn't leaving...." he said but he didn't realize Sarubia didn't mean just physically if he allowed his heart his mind to become trapped in that dark room in the darkness he knew so long he'd never meet all these people not really. "I'm staying with you...." he said confused.

"You were leaving..." he said lowly. "You were closing yourself off and leaving me to feel it all..."

Misute looked at him. "To....feel it all?" he echoed and then frowned. "I'm sorry...." He said lowly as he curled there. "I don't....these emotions these things I don't....understand them...." When he felt them the jealousy and hurt he felt earlier he knew he felt hurt but didn't understand that wasn't a bad thing.

"Emotions aren't a bad thing to have. No matter how irrational, I want you to feel them all," he told Misute lowly. "I want you to feel just as much as I want you to learn and to be able to explore and to play and be normal."

Misute looked up at him. "Play?" he asked that word was really a unknown concept to him he was learning them words spelling the meaning behind some of the things he said. He shifted on the couch and looked up at Sarubia those silver eyes full of curiosity. To learn it and the word held so many meanings but...."Will you play with me?" he asked innocent enough he knew what the 'kids' innocent definition of the word was but no idea at all what that question could also mean. Not mind you he'd complain about it either.
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PostSubject: Re: Lost in white   Mon May 22, 2017 2:07 am

Sarubia looked at Misute they were at Mujo's apartment and he just asked the most innocent duel sided question in the world he leaned back against the couch and groaned throwing his arm over his eyes. He certainly knew what sort of 'playing' he'd want to do with Misute....what sort of playing came to mind the moment the boy innocently asked him to play with him. And he wasn't in a place that he should be doing that at all.

Misute confused by Sarubia's action leaned up and looked at him hand resting on the arm of the couch as he shifted closer. "Saru? Are you okay?" He asked he was cold his lips no longer twinged blue but still cracked and healing his fingers the same but it was better then it was before. He was also cold but that was warming up some. No...He looked at Sarubia..."If your not feeling well we don't have to play...." He said innocently.

"God why..." he said as he brought his hand up and bit his knuckles. This kid...he was going to get them both killed.

Misute was so confused about Sarubia's response he was biting his knuckles...why what? He didn't understand what had Sarubia doing this at the moment he leaned forward reaching up to touch Sarubia's hand with his fingers. "Sarubia?" he asked looking at him silver eyes burning with curiosity.

He groaned again when Misute touched him. His body having been trained all too well, he nearly jerked in response the first time. "You're going to get me killed..." he breathed lowly.

Misute looked at him and then lowered his hand slowly. "I...I'm sorry..." He said lowly as he started to sit back. "I don't want that.....we don't have to play..." he said lowly.

He sighed and looked at Misute. "You're just so..." he paused, trying so hard to fight his own nature. "So damn hot..."

Now Misute was utterly confused he wasn't hot not at the moment anyways yeah normally he had a body temp for a vampire but it was really low. He was sitting on Sarubia's lap at the moment more towards his knees but that comment had him soo utterly confused he brought one hand up to his own forehead and one to light lay on Sarubia shaking his head. "No....I'm still cold to the touch..." He said lowly and looked at Sarubia tipping his head to the side as if an inquisitive puppy. He leaned forwards and looked over this man before him curious beyond words. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"God...I'm going to get my stupid ass killed..." he said as he pulled Misute down to straddle him. "You're so fucking hot right now...and I don't know if...I can take it.." he breathed as he looked up at the young vampire he had gone out of his way to save.

Misute blinked as he was suddenly on the couch and looked up at Sarubia. A faint heated blush staining his cheeks as he looked up at Sarubia. "Saru?" he asked looking at him and reached up to touch his cheek. "Is....this playing?" He asked he knew this to be something else but...."If it is....is it okay if I only....want to play with you then?" He didn't want this sort of thing with anyone else but he didn't realize how tense and how much Sarubia was struggling right now.

"This is one way to play. I don't think this way as what I had meant, but...I think it's a little late right now..." he said as he looked at Misute.

"One way?" He responded pondering that and then looked up at Sarubia. "Then this way I don't want to play with anyone but you." He said looking up at him still innocent. Misute shifted though his breathing was already a bit deeper as he looked up at him. Sarubia was above him and Misute squirmed a bit.

"Ok, it's time for you two to ki-" he stood there, door knob still in hand as he took in the scene before him. Twenty minutes. That's all he had left them alone for. "Oh come on! I just left you alone for twenty damn minutes!"

Sarubia stiffened when he heard Mujo's voice and turned to look at the 'monk'. "I...don't really have any explanation for this..." he said, opting to tell the truth rather than trying to tell a lie.

Misute looked over at Mujo as he laid there beneath Sarubia shifting his head about until he did see him and blinked a couple of times. "Mujo?" he asked looking over at him. He didn't understand what had him so agitated. "Is playing bad then?" He was so confused as Mujo looked agitated.

"In my house it is," Mujo said lowly as he tried to reign in his agitation. He had to try to remember that Misute was only a kid. He didn't know nearly enough about the world.

Sarubia sighed and moved, getting up so that he wouldn't be tempted to keep going despite Mujo being right there in arms reach. "Yes...my manners have slipped me this day..." he said lowly. "It was rude of me to show no self restraint in someone else's house..."

Misute shifted and looked at them both. Tipping his head and looked at Mujo. "Oh..I'm sorry." he said, he seemed to say that a lot anyways as he shifted and sat up part way to look at Sarubia again he had gotten to Sarubia asking him to play? He really did have a lot to learn about this world.

"It isn't your fault Misute," Sarubia said lowly. He was uncomfortable, but he'd have to deal with it. Respect was hard to earn from him, but the Reapers had something more precious from Sarubia than respect. The reapers had earned Sarubia's fear. Dying was Sarubia's main fear, and any reaper meant that he could die. "I should have better control of myself...and I didn't."

Mujo snorted as he moved to go towards the kitchen. "Cut the crap Sarubia. We both know you're still dying to do it," he said lowly as he paused and turned to look at them both. "The only reason you don't is because you know me...all too well..."

Misute looked at Sarubia and then looked over at Mujo he was so confused. The idea that Sarubia still wanted him didn't both him at all the idea that something about this had Sarubia agitated did. He bit his lower lip and shook his head. Then looked at Sarubia. "Should we go home? If you still want to play...." then glanced at Mujo again. He could feel it if he focused on Sarubia and he was realizing it right now Sarubia's desire him....he...could feel....and paused looking at Sarubia. "I can feel you...."

"By all means, go back out into that storm while he's still healing...but take it from someone who knows..." he began lowly. "He won't last." Mujo then looked at Misute and then shook his head before he looked back at Sarubia. "Just not on the rug you sick fuck..."

Sarubia looked at Mujo at his last words. Just not on the rug? "You're kidding. You have to be...." he said lowly, wary of the redheaded monk.

Misute tipped his head and looked between them. "Not....on the rug?" He asked and looked down at the rug on the floor. "Wouldn't....that hurt?" That type of playing he knew what Sarubia wanted and wouldn't it hurt on something like the rug and then looked at Mujo....

"The rug is plush, made from sheep's wool. I doubt it would hurt, but the damn thing was expensive. So take it up and leave me alone..." he said lowly as he looked at Sarubia. He was being too generous, but he was tired and he just wanted them to get it over with already.

Sarubia stood there staring at Mujo as he turned and walked into the kitchen. He was utterly dumbfounded. Why would Mujo of all people be willing to let this happen in his own house? He just couldn't understand.

Misute looked between them and down again shifting on the couch as he looked at his hands he seemed to be causing Sarubia problems again. Take it up and leave him alone? He wasn't sure.....what that meant but looked up slowly at Sarubia. "Sarubia?" he asked softly looking at him and wondering.

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PostSubject: Re: Lost in white   Tue May 23, 2017 12:41 am

Misute looked between Mujo and Sarubia he wasn't sure what was going on with the conversation between them. Take it up were? He was still unfortunately cold being a little over a year old he didn't know the limits of his body or have the time to build up his powers yet. He shifted and went to move aware of something that had been happening slowly and trying not to thanks to what Mujo gave him but suddenly this thunderous racy sound echoed in his ears for a moment as his hand landed on the arm of the sofa. His breathe caught a moment as he felt 'it' slamming a moment or two before speeding back up again still drawing some strength form the blood that Mujo had given him. That hurt...it always hurt. He however hadn't realized what he could hear so too would Sarubia and Mujo no doubt knew how bad he was teetering on the edge kept warning about it. This....was why he didn't like the heart that beat in his chest......and beat it did. Cold tired......not a good thing. Shaking it off he looked up unaware of just how much those sudden beats for a moment would have caught the attention of one near him....after all it was struggling to not slow down...."Is everything alright?" he asked Sarubia.

"No...it's not..." he said lowly as he moved back over to Misute and made sure he remained put on the couch before he kneeled down and lifted the expensive rug up off the floor and draped it over the nearby chair. "Mujo's right...you're not going to make it at this rate..."

Misute looked at Sarubia so utterly confused...."I don't understand..." He said lowly as Sarubia made him continue to sit down there and then lifted the rug up. He didn't realize that what he heard wasn't a good thing he just knew usually it beat so insanely fast in his chest but it slowed the colder he got and if it slowed down to a stop....vampire or not he'd die. He yawned and frowned he didn't want to sleep right now but it was slowing down in rhythm again. He had done this to himself not knowing his own limits.

"If your heart stops, even for a minute...that could be the minute that you die..." he said lowly as he moved back over to sit beside Misute. "Being the type of vampire that you are makes you special, but it also means that you need to learn your limits much quicker than others...if you don't...you could end up killing yourself."

Misute reached up and touched his chest where the heart beat....and down again. "If it stops even for a minute......it beats so incredibly fast usually...." He said lowly the idea of it stopping was something alien to him but he paused as he could feel it's rhythm going down before going back up not hitting those loud beats yet. He nodded. "I have a lot to learn." he said looking at Sarubia.

"The cold is a rather silent killer...it creeps into your body slowly over time, but once its there it'll kill you quickly," he said lowly as he sliced his wrist open with his nail and held it out to Misute. "Because Mujo is using his magic to keep you alive for the time being...you need to drink my blood and heal before he becomes too tired to hold his magic..."

Misute looked up at him and nodded when he realized....why Mujo had been so certain his blood would help him it was because he was using it and his magic to anchor Misute here. He glanced at the kitchen and took a deep breathe before shifting and doing as asked he placed his mouth to Sarubia's wrist to begin to feed. He gagged a couple of times it was still hard for him to adjust after so long to blood that didn't taste foul or vile. But he didn't pull away it wasn't that he found Sarubia's blood repulsive and Saru knew that it was that his bodies first instinct was this wasn't blood he just gagged now were before he had to fight to get himself to swallow. After a moment he felt his fangs lengthen and slide into the wound as if his body was attempting to reteach itself. Saru said it would but it would take a little bit of time.

Sarubia brought his free hand up and put it gently on Misute's head and began to run it through his hair. He had to find a better way to be both Yakuza leader and teacher...he just had to. "That's it..." he breathed as he closed his eyes and relaxed into the couch a little more.

Misute relaxed into him feeding from his wrist when he felt the fingers running through his hair like that. The subtle tension was leaving his frame as he fed no longer fighting so hard at the moment and not realizing he had been until he relaxed. Misute fed slowly he remembered after the first time when his body protested the difference of Sarubia's blood which was healthy.  Drinking until he was full he rested against Sarubia a moment cleaning off the wound before licking his lips clean as if savoring a tasty treat. He sat there sitting up slightly eyes closed the faintest of blushes stained his cheek bones what was it about that simple act of being allowed to feed that always made him blush like this?

He sighed contently as he sat there for a few moments, running his hand through Misute's hair as he just rested. "Still embarrassed?" he mused lowly as he finally opened his eyes to look at Misute. "I don't know if I should find it attractive...or just amusing..."

Misute made a sound of protest as Sarubia called him on it and turned his head slightly feeling the fingers sliding through his hair and opened his eyes which where heavy after feeding not a sleepy heavy but one of those heavy euphoric looks that belonged more in a private bedroom setting then on Mujo's couch. He looked at Sarubia through long silver lashes pouting. "I can't help it...." he protest a bit huskily...and he really couldn't....didn't know if he ever would be able to help that.

"There's that look again..." he mused lowly as he leaned in closer to Misute, his face 'dangerously' close to Misute's neck. "Every time I see that face...I have to fight against myself...."

Misute pouted a bit more looking at him. "What face?" He asked as he looked at Sarubia shivering as he felt the cool heat of Saru's breathe against his skin he drew in a low breath and shifted on his lap his body more then happy to stir and respond to Sarubia...His hand coming up to rest against the red-head's chest not to push him away but to steady himself. He was cold but his heart wasn't struggling to maintain a beat yet it was beating steady and working on climbing back up to where it should be slowly. His 'cuts' from the dry skin healing up as well. Misute found he squirmed a bit shifting. Some instinct in him even if he didn't realize it knew what Sarubia was after. And he responded to him...

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PostSubject: Re: Lost in white   Wed May 24, 2017 2:42 am

Sarubia had fed and one thing led to the next with them on the floor and playing. After a while and a few rounds the Red-head noticed the silence of the other red-head to whom the apartment belonged. Misute was doing much better now breathing heavy from his rounds with Sarubia but it was the silence of the usually outspoken 'Monk' that caught his attention. He moved away from Misute covering him with a blanket after all of that he didn't want the smaller vampire to catch a chill and dressed from the waist down he walked over to the Kitchen doorway where he saw the 'Monk' in question asleep at the bar a glass of blood in one hand. But solidly out cold.

Misute watched in a bit of wonder as a man with blue hair came down the stairs head first his body moving in a way Misute had never seen he didn't find it freakish but rather....he was as curious as a kitten but remained quiet.

Zuma saw the small silver haired boy and nodded to him a brief hello he'd check him out but was more curious about where Jo was and moved seeing Sarubia standing dressed from the waist down at least pants wise he was bare foot and looking at something in the kitchen. Zuma moved quietly across the floor low and came to a stop beside Sarubia bringing his head up to brush against the man's fingers. "Jo sleep" he said lowly.

"From the lack of complaint we had, he's been asleep for quite a while..." he said lowly, keeping his voice low so that he didn't wake Mujo from his sleep.

Zuma looked up at him and then glanced back at the boy and himself the scent in the room was a clear indication of what had been going on. And he was right the lack of complaining on Jo's part about the continual activities meant the other was out cold for quiet a while. "Jo....spent strength." He said lowly. "Sicker...." he kept his voice low and it was troubled. "Leave behind....too much..." he said lowly Mujo did...leave him behind a lot these days took on more work....it did nothing but worry Zuma.

"Mujo has his reasons for being so stubborn...but it's still worrying..." he said lowly. "If I didn't know he'd reject my offer...I'd offer to save him...but he doesn't care about me enough to accept..." he said lowly, and it was actually surprisingly sad. "That disease of his...is chipping away more and more of him...but he's fighting it Zuma...have faith in him just a little longer..."

Zuma looked up at him and smiled sadly. "I have faith." he spoke slowly he could form sentences it was just harder and slower for him. He looked back at the slumbering form. "You're wrong and right....." he said lowly. "He'll refuse....because he waits....he believes in his promise." In Zero's.

"Regardless of why he's putting it off...Mujo will keep doing so until he's run out of options. It seems to simply be who he is," Sarubia said as he put a hand on Zuma's head and ran a hand through his hair. It wasn't a gesture of petting, more a reassurance for Zuma, and a way to calm himself a little. Sarubia wasn't vulnerable often, but when he was it took him a while to harden himself again. "He doesn't keep you out of work because he's concerned about himself. I think he does it without thinking about how it makes you feel. He does it because he wants to protect you as much as he can...and I can sympathize with that feeling quite a lot..."

Zuma knelt there taking the offered comfort it was hard being kept out so much. Being protected by Mujo so much when he wanted to be there for him. "He always protects me." He said looking at him as he slept there at the bar at Mujo. "Sarubia.....it hurts....if protecting means putting distance..." Zuma said softly. "The one being protected wants to be at the side of the one doing the protecting even if it means getting hurt." Zuma frowned he was trying to think of how to put it. "It hurts worse....being left behind....then the other wounds that heal....."

"Yes...but can you imagine how it must feel for Mujo?" he asked lowly. "The agony of having to tell you to stay put even though he knows you want to go? I can imagine...the ache, the pain of feeling like you're being torn apart..." he said lowly as he moved and kneeled down on Zuma's level. "He's going through such a hard time Zuma. Maybe what he really needs is a good, solid reminder that you're not just his partner in work, but in life."

Zuma looked at Sarubia as he knelt down to his level not expecting him like many did to raise up. But Sarubia was always good that way. He frowned as he looked at the red-head before him. "I know the ache....his scent his heart....it's so sad all the time." He said lowly. "I don't know how to remind him." He said looking down at his hands the tattoo's the covered the back of them nearly every inch of his body he closed his eyes a moment then looked over. "I want to....I want to remind him....I'm afraid...." he said lowly. "That....I'm loosing Jo. That he...does not want me...." He closed his eyes. "I'm not...like everyone else." He said even now Sarubia was so achingly patient while he was talking it took him a while to form all the words short bursts were quicker for him. For eighteen years he didn't speak hisses and growls were the only thing he did since less then one month old lost in the deep woods. So speaking wasn't something his vocal cords were happy with all the time but he was trying....he was trying because....he wanted to be able to communicate his feelings clearly to Mujo.

"You and I both know that isn't the case Zuma," he said lowly. "He's not losing his interest in you. If anything his resolve to keep you is what's keeping him going. Without you, I'm almost certain he would lose to the insanity inside of him...and the Mujo we all know would no longer be..."

Zuma shook his head no as he looked at Sarubia. "No loose Jo." He said quickly fiercely he'd never....never loose him let him go. Even if he struggled with getting it across he'd never...in a million years give up on him. He looked up at Sarubia and took a deep breathe. "Love Jo....Love Jo more then..." He gestured with his hand the world....the stars everything. "Work...here no matter.....It...doesn't matter." He corrected amended and closed his eyes. "I just want....to be with him."

He smiled, a real and true smile. "There. That is what will remind him. That certainty of your feelings for him is what will remind him of why he's even here in this situation in the first place. Because, I can imagine, it was you that kick started Mujo's change of heart..."

Zuma looked at Sarubia said that....that was it. Zuma looked at him and nodded. "It will never change....here." He said reaching up and touching his chest where his own heart was. "Jo...is my everything." He said he didn't know how else to put it....but. That was it. He then moved his hand and placed his fingers against Sarubia chest even if this man could not bring himself to fall in love with the little one the look in his eyes....Zuma knew it well. "Just as....you are *his*....best protection for him....is right at your side Sarubia." he said and let his hand lower as he looked over at Mujo. "I just...need to make....sure Jo knows...too."

"My emotions are...dangerous..." he said lowly. "Letting myself get caught up in them for too long...can cause serious damage. If I'm not careful, I could lead to not only my own death, but my entire family's. I can't let that happen...not ever again..."

Zuma looked at him so quietly it was like talking to Jo in a way perhaps that was why they bonked heads in there own right and why these two understood each other. Zuma sighed as he looked at Sarubia and then moved forwards enough to let his hand come to a rest against his chest. "Then good thing....he can handle the weight of them all yes?" He said lowly looking at Sarubia. "He scents....of light, of shadow and darkness and of twilight.....he's lost because you are....as fragile as he is....he is strong enough to accept you." Zuma looked at the boy who had fallen asleep curled up in the blankets. "He needs you....all you are." He looked back at Sarubia and smiled. "He not shadow but Twilight.....you know that though."

Sarubia sighed and closed his eyes at Zuma's words. He was still distant from Misute in a lot of ways. He knew that, but it wasn't because he was trying to be cruel. He was just so afraid of feeling all of the pain that he'd felt so many years ago. Loving someone else but not being loved in return was the worst, but loving them and your feelings being returned and then losing them in death...he wasn't sure if he was strong enough to watch anyone else he cared about die. "I'm not worried about his strength...it's mine that has me concerned..." he said lowly. "I'm still a weak man Zuma. For all of my posturing and all of my words, I'm still weak when it counts..."

Zuma looked at him. "Alone....we're all weak." He said looking at him. "I was weak....before Jo. Jo....is my strength as I am his." He glanced at the slumbering form smiling and then looked at Sarubia. His hand still resting against his chest. "But if you stay like this.....you will hurt again worse this time Sarubia. If you don't allow yourself to love....you will loose him worse then." He glanced at the sleeping boy. "Let him in Sarubia." Zuma looked back at the red head as he let his hand lower. "If you don't....it will fade....and it will be a living death for him for you. You don't deserve that."

He looked at Zuma and then over at Misute. Did he have feelings for the young vampire on the couch? Of course he did. He wouldn't have been so attracted to him had he felt nothing for the sleeping figure. But was he willing to let someone else into his heart so completely? "I think the reason I keep stalling is because it terrifies me...even more than the thought of dying, than Aoi or the Reapers...the thought of letting someone else into my heart so completely..."

He looked at Sarubia as he said that...."Sarubia....." He said sadly looking at the red-head. Zuma looked over at the sleeping figure the necklace around the boys neck. And back again at Sarubia. He was quiet....then sighed. He could scent the four marks. "Sarubia." He repeated looking at the redhead. "You placed all four marks.....the same four marks that bind Kira and Aoi now bind you to him...." He said lowly looking at the one before him. "You know? You've felt him yes? But he.....he can't feel you.....if you push him away."

Sarubia turned his attention back to Zuma when he repeated his name and sighed. "Yes I know that Zuma, I know what will happen if I push him away...but fear is the damndest thing you know?" he said lowly, but it was a bitter sound. "It's crippling in all of the wrong ways...and up until tonight...I couldn't even let him in this much...now that I have...I know there's no going back. I can't lock him out again, I'm not able to...even if I wanted to..."

Zuma looked at him and smiled a bit. "Fear....can cripple.....but....love can save." He said lowly as he let his hand fall to floor before him. Zuma leaned up slightly and looked at him. "Sarubia.....even if it's no one else....it's okay to let him in....it's okay for Sarubia to have someone he needs too." He said softly. "It's okay to need him....his eyes it's what he wants even if you're not in love with him....he's happy if you just need him to stay beside you.....I'd feel the same with Jo...."

Misute opened his eyes as he laid there just a crack having woken to the whispering of there voices. He wasn't awake enough to hear the whole thing only bits and pieces and as much as part of him wanted to go back to sleep another said he needed to wake up.

"The funny part is...in the beginning...I told him I'd never be able to return his feelings..." he said lowly. "I think I may have told the world's worst lie that day though..."

Zuma looked at Sarubia then reached up and held his finger up before him shaking it no in a gesture he saw quiet often. "You didn't lie. At the time....Sarubia's heart hurt." He touched his chest. "You were in a very bad place. But..." he looked at him. "You were able to heal little by little every time he smiled. Then as you were you couldn't....return feelings." He said looking at him. "But...now as he heals and learns soo too does Sarubia heal." He said looking at him. "You couldn't before but now....little by little you can as you too heal from wounds....here.....he heals you as you heal him." Zuma said as he once again touched Sarubia's chest gently right above his heart.

He sighed and shook his head. "And people say you don't understand..." he mused lowly as he ruffled Zuma's hair and stood up. "You might be right, but only time can tell how far I can go..." he said and looked into the kitchen at Mujo who hadn't really moved much. He was still sleeping, still tired and drained from using what power he had managed to store in order to help Misute. "I think that he'll be okay...after all, he's too damn stubborn to just roll over and die..."

Zuma looked at Sarubia. "I understand....just can't speak very well." he said moving to look as well and smiled as Sarubia stood up saying that.....only time could tell how far he could go. "As far as your willing." he said slowly as he looked at him then at Mujo as Sarubia spoke and said he should be alright. Zuma nodded. "Jo will not leave. Too much to do...." he said lowly. "He won't leave me....he won't leave Zero....said once he 'fool of an asshole won't...let me...sleep.' He said lowly looking at them. He meant and Zuma knew it Zero would never let him just up and die so it was Mujo's excuse for fighting harder he supposed.

"Seeing as Zero has control over death and dying...I'd imagine Mujo's right," he said lowly, chuckling. "Zero would revive him just so they could have a friendly yelling match that they're so famous for..."

Zuma nodded. "Zero is determined Jo won't die." He said looking at him and smiled. "So Jo won't just so he can keep arguing with Zero." He smiled it was there dynamic. "Jo...is very fond of Zero....won't admit it though." This kid who....refused to give up on him at all. He looked up at Sarubia. "Need blanket for Jo....need one for Sarubia too?" He asked. Figuring the red-head might stay awhile the blizzard was still going on out there. Zuma doubted he'd want to take Misute out in it.

"Yeah. Zero and Mujo care about each other. They're just too damn stubborn to admit it...come to think about it...sounds kinf of familiar at times..." he said as he looked at Mujo. "Kuri and I have our ups and downs, and sometimes we forget that we have to actually tell each other that we give a damn," he said and nodded in answer to Zuma's question. "Yeah. I might as well stay for a while longer...no telling when this snow will let up..."

Zuma nodded as he looked at him. "Sound a lot like family those two." He said looking at Mujo's sleeping frame and then nodded. "Come back with blankets." he said smiling and then bounded off heading up the steps to go get a couple of heavy blankets.

Misute shifted and sat up rubbing at his eyes anything said was lost on him he hadn't heard anything but voices speaking. He did yawn a bit though blinking sleepily at the window....he had no idea at all that he'd been out for a few minutes but certainly had no idea about the conversation Sarubia had been having with Zuma.

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